


frail state of mind

by sunshinesoraa



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn-ish, Unrequited Love, in this house we stan kairi, it's kind of heavy i'm sorry, sora is bad with feelings, three island kids process years of undue trauma, tw attempted suicide, tw panic attacks, tw vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:42:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25415617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinesoraa/pseuds/sunshinesoraa
Summary: "What if he's never the same?" she asked, staring at the locked double doors in front of them."He will be," Riku answered, but he didn't even know if he really meant that.
Relationships: Kairi/Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	1. i'm sorry about my frail state of mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again.  
> Welcome back to another fic born from my combined mania/hyperfixation. I've been wanting to do a multi-part story surrounding Sora's mental health following it all, so I figured why not? I have had PTSD for almost nine years, so writing a recovery story is extremely comforting!  
> This story will have 4 parts, and I'm hoping to get them all up relatively quickly!  
> Thank you for reading. All of the support warms my soul. <3

**part i  
i’m sorry about my frail state of mind **

**T** he hospital was blinding. Riku was used to the sun, sure, but not to the harsh fluorescents that hung from the ceiling of Destiny Islands’ psychiatric unit. It was so cold inside the building, even though temperatures were pushing the high nineties outside today. Kairi held Riku’s hand nervously as they waited by the door to be let in. He tried to rub circles into her hand with his thumb but that didn’t stop the trembling. “What if he’s never the same?” she asked, staring at the locked double doors in front of them.  
“He _will_ be,” Riku answered, not sure if he was entirely correct but, he wanted to offer Kairi the comfort anyway.

It had been a long month. The longest month either of them had experienced in many moons. Riku and Kairi had spent almost every waking moment of the last thirty days together, but this wasn’t the way that Riku wanted to mend his relationship with Kairi. He’d hoped that once he came back from Shibuya with Sora, they could have a nice few months together, just back on the Islands, the three of them. No thinking about work, or the frays in the ties between them. Riku had never been so hopeful, finally returning for a well-deserved break. Life must have a personal grudge against him, because that isn’t how it happened at all, because…

two weeks after they returned from Shibuya, Sora attempted to take his own life. 

It was sudden. It was unexpected. It was so unlike him. Riku squeezed his eyes shut at the memory, trying to shake his last image of Sora out of his head. Sora hadn’t been answering his phone all day. “Probably sleeping, like usual,” Riku had assured Kairi, but something tugging at his heart, at their link, was telling him a different story. He couldn’t get Sora to come to the door, and he couldn’t open it either. Riku tried picking the lock, but ended up just having to kick it down before running up to his bedroom to find him unconscious, hanging limp over the toilet, vomit all over the floor and the bowl. Riku had never seen him so pale. He doesn’t remember exactly what he did after that; it all returns in hazy memories of screaming and a loud ringing in his ears. He remembers scooping up the lifeless Sora in his arms, shouting to Kairi, “D-don’t come in here! Call for help!” thinking about how he didn’t know his voice could sound so panicked. If nothing else, he was grateful that Kairi never had to see Sora in that state.

Riku held Sora’s still body to his chest, feeling himself overwhelmed with emotion for the first time since everything went to shit. Riku heard Kairi running down the stairs, and Riku let out a sob, a million thoughts running through his head. He was thinking about Sora’s smiling face, his pink cheeks, the way he’d tug on his shirt when he wanted his attention. He thought about Sora’s arms around his neck, the light that just _radiated_ from his being, back before it all fell apart.

Riku tried to stop the sobs from escaping his lips but he couldn’t. “Sora, you can’t. You can’t leave me. I never got… to tell you.” Riku buried his face into Sora’s hair, still smelling like sweat and stomach acid, trying to etch the feeling of Sora in his arms into his heart in case this was the last time. Riku was positive he would never be able to live with himself if Sora died never knowing how Riku felt about him.

Riku had admitted it to no one but himself, but he was hopelessly, irreversibly in love with his best friend. Riku never knew that he could feel so strongly about a person until he fell in love with Sora. He wasn’t even entirely sure if he could pinpoint when it started, it was just one day he was looking at him like he was his best friend, and the next, he was the only person he could imagine wanting to spend the rest of his life with. Riku did nothing but think about Sora.

In the year Sora had been missing, Riku would stay up, reading book after book, pacing around the room, and staring at the sky and willing for an answer. He never gave up. Finding Sora in Shibuya was like suddenly remembering that you were starving, and Riku knew then that he had to tell him. He never wanted to go another day without Sora in it.

He’d tried to give Sora space. He’d tried not to be clingy. He wanted Sora to be able to process all of these things the way he needed to do it, but Riku had been so naive. “I should have known,” he cried. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” When the paramedics arrived, they practically had to peel Sora away from him. Once he was gone, Riku sat there on the bathroom floor, crying into his hands in a puddle of Sora’s vomit. He knew he should get up and clean, he should get up and put the cap back on the bottle of pills, he should leave before Kairi found him here. But he _couldn’t._

Riku had seen a lot of disturbing things in his life. He had seen more death than _any_ nineteen year old should have to. He had seen dark beings, thoughts that wrapped around you and consumed your soul. Lovers torn apart, friends lost, hearts stolen. Nothing would ever come close to the sight of the love of his life willingly hovering on the line between life and death.

The last year had been the worst one yet for Sora. At least in the first few years of his career as a keyblade wielder, he still had his childlike wonder and steadfast optimism, but as time went on, that seemed to fade more and more. The last real conversation Riku had alone with him before he disappeared was Sora crying, telling him that he was _worthless._ Riku should have known. He should have known.

They didn’t get the chance to talk in Shibuya. They had limited time to get in and get out before they would both be forgotten and returned to the Earth. When Riku found Sora, in his delicate and broken state, he scooped him up and fought their way out tooth and nail to save both of their lives. There was no time for feelings or conversation when you were trying not to die.

Upon return, he had been more reserved. Kairi and Riku would offer to go out with Sora, maybe to the beach, or to go and see Roxas or Ven, and he would always find a way to politely turn them down. “I promised my mom I’d come and spend time with her today.”

“Why don’t I come and stay the night tonight?” Riku would ask, and Sora would shake his head, saying: “I don’t want to disturb you. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately.”

Riku knew what he meant. He could physically feel the dark, suffocating feeling of Sora’s nightmares plaguing him every night- tugging at Riku’s heart and at Sora’s willpower: they were constant. Kairi was quick to blame herself. “If he hadn’t come after me… if he hadn’t put himself before me…” She couldn’t shake the feeling that Sora’s trauma was all her fault, but it wasn’t. Sora had seen and done so much since he was just fourteen- he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. The world and everyone in it depended on him. What happened to Kairi was no more her fault than Riku’s being possessed was his.

Riku and Kairi had to inform everyone else of what happened to Sora so he wouldn’t have to deal with it when he got out of the hospital. Sora was now on an indefinite medical leave; he would decide when he felt well enough to go back.

They had called an emergency meeting, and as soon as Riku told them all what had happened, you’d think they’d announced that Xehanort was back from the dead. “No talking to him about the war, or about the worlds, or about any of the things you guys are doing,” Riku explained. “We’re trying to avoid catalyzing anything that could upset him.” Aqua was crying. Xion and Lea looked like they could throw up. Every single one of them was heartbroken, but it seemed to hit Roxas the hardest. Which made sense to Riku, considering Roxas was technically Sora’s other half. Roxas immediately stood up from the table and started cursing and kicking the wall before exiting the room in a hurry.

“Fuck. Shit.” Roxas ran his hands through his blonde spikes, and he was pacing erratically when Riku finally found him stalking around the fountains in Radiant Garden.

“Hey, Roxas.”

Roxas turned to look at Riku. They had never gotten along terribly well. Riku had done some shitty things to him, and Roxas had done some shitty things to Riku. But they had an unspoken agreement to put all of those things aside because they both loved Sora. “Hey,” Roxas said.  
“He’s going to be fine.”  
“I just can’t… I can’t believe it. I had barely even gotten to get to know him.” Roxas shoved his hands in his pockets.  
“I know.”

The two of them sat down on the side of the fountain. Neither of them wanted to speak. What was there to say? It was not an uncomfortable silence, just a heavy one. The chlorinated smell of the water was comforting to Riku, so he breathed it in, taking whatever ease he could get.

“I was the one that found him,” Riku finally spoke.  
“Fuck. I’m sorry.”  
“Yeah. I’ve never seen him look like that.”  
“You really think he’s gonna be alright?”  
“Yeah. I’m sure he’ll be okay.” Riku hoped that by saying that phrase out loud he could manifest it into reality.

The thing about Sora, was the love for him was universal. You couldn’t help it. One look at that goofy smile and messy hair, and there was nothing else to do but adore him. Even those that were always calm, collected, and stable had a hard time digesting it. Truthfully, Riku didn’t want to tell Mickey and Master Yen Sid, but they would undoubtedly wonder where Sora was. He just didn’t want them to think Sora was too weak to do this.

“Riku, I am terribly sorry,” Master Yen Sid had stopped him on his way out, two days after Sora’s failed attempt. “I cannot help but feel we are responsible for this. We have asked too much from him for too long.” Riku couldn’t argue with that. Sora was barely a legal adult and he had already had the responsibility of the entire world on his shoulders… literally.  
“Please, take as much time as you need. All of you. We can handle everything for now,” Mickey assured him.  
“Thank you, Mickey.”  
“Promise me you will reach out if you need anything.”  
“I will.”

Now that the world was quiet and Sora found himself still _alive_ , things were harder to process. He was no longer distracted. Riku just never expected that of all the things, Sora would try to take his own life. But here they were. Sora had been staying here at the psychiatric unit for almost a week, since leaving the ICU after the effects of the multitudes upon multitudes of pills he took wore off. Kairi and Riku were now here, ready to pick him up and take him back home.

“Can I help you?” the nurse asked them through the intercom.  
“Yes, we’re here to pick up Sora Hikari.”  
The doors clicked and pushed open automatically, the miasmic smell of hand sanitizer and bleach thick in the air around them. Kairi squeezed Riku’s hand as they walked inside of the unit. It was quieter than Riku had anticipated it would be. The other patients were either in their rooms, or sitting in the common room, keeping to themselves. The nurse walked out of the station and met the two at the doors.

“He’s in his room right now. I’m the one who’s been taking care of him. Nice to meet you.”  
“How is he doing?” Riku asked.  
“He’s doing better, I think. Of course, not 100%. We’ve started giving him an anti-depressant, and monitoring his panic attacks. But overall, he’s improved substantially since arriving here,” she smiled, and Riku wanted to smile back, but he couldn’t. He was just blinking at her, trying to force himself to process the words she was saying. _Anti-depressants? Panic attacks?_ None of this sounded like Sora. She couldn’t be talking about Sora. Always the happy-go-lucky one, always the bravest, always the most selfless.  
“Panic attacks?” Kairi breathed out, hand becoming limp in Riku’s.  
“Yes, he’s been having them quite frequently. It almost sounds like he’s hallucinating a bit when he does… talking about large creatures? Mass death?” Riku’s heart could have just been torn out of his chest. He wasn’t hallucinating, but he couldn’t tell her that. That was real. Those were all things he had actually experienced, which was the most fucked up part.

“Is he safe to go home?” Riku asked.

“I think so. But I wouldn’t leave him alone yet. He _wants_ to be alone, but he just shouldn’t right now.”

They rounded the corner of the unit to another long corridor of rooms, before she stood beside one, motioning to the pair. “This is the one.” She knocked on Sora’s door, his head lifting as she entered. “Hey, Sora, sweetie. Your friends are here to take you home.” For the first time since the paramedics tore Sora from his arms, he was standing in front of Sora, who was alive, breathing, okay. For the most part.

Sora immediately stood up from where he was on the bed, throwing his arms around Riku and Kairi. “We love you so much, Sora,” Kairi said, voice breaking out into a strained sob. Sora buried his face into Kairi’s shoulder. “Are you ready to go home?” Riku asked. Sora nodded. _Why wasn’t he talking?_ The room just depressed him being in it. Sora had no shoelaces in his shoes, nothing to do, only wearing paper scrubs. He wasn’t even wearing the crown necklace Riku gave him, that he _never_ took off.

The nurse helped gather Sora’s things and get his paperwork together, before cutting his wristband off and letting them through the double doors. Destiny Islands had grown exponentially since they were kids: they now had the hospital, a larger school, more infrastructure. But it was still small. The hospital only really consisted of a recovery unit, an emergency room, labor and delivery, and the psychiatric unit. It was still small enough that they could walk back home. The first hint at a smile from Sora came when they exited the hospital and he got the first gust of sea air on his face.

“You’re gonna come home with me for a while, okay? And then tomorrow, you’ll stay with Kairi,” Riku explained, trying to look at Sora. “I’m going to go back to my house, but if you need me, I will come over right away, alright?” Kairi asked.  
“Okay,” Sora muttered back. Kairi wanted to make it seem as normal as possible, and not like they were passing him back and forth like divorced parents.

Kairi lived on the opposite side of the island, so she headed in that direction while Sora and Riku went the other way. Sora didn’t take his eyes off of her until she was out of their sight. Since turning eighteen, Riku had invested in a small house on the south side of the island, by the ocean. It only had one bedroom, and needed a lot of work at first, but he liked it. He liked having something that was only his, that he had earned himself. Riku had followed all of the recommended instructions. He had locked up all of the medications, knives, and any other objects Sora could potentially use to… harm himself.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Sora,” Riku said. Sora didn’t respond. He still looked pale, his eyes glassy and colorless. Sora had never been the largest person, but now he was so thin he just looked frail. “It’ll be nice to get to spend some time together, yeah?”  
“Yeah.”

The wind blew, and the palm trees swayed around them. Riku had never been good with words. He wanted so badly to know what to say to Sora to make it all go away. He wanted to kiss his cheeks. He wanted Sora to _talk_ to him, to tell him what was wrong. Riku wanted to ask him _why,_ but he couldn’t. “We don’t have to talk about it, Sora. We can pretend that nothing even happened. If you want.”  
“I don’t want you to treat me any differently,” Sora said. “I’m _okay_.”  
“Alright. You’re okay.”

Riku knew that was a lie, but he didn’t want to argue with him. Whatever kept Sora communicating with him is what he would do. Sora usually loved spending the night with Riku. It had been years since they had the chance, but it was one of Sora’s most favorite things. Normally, Sora would be bouncing off the walls. Riku lived right by the beach, so he figured Sora would be in the water or playing in the sand; at least watching a movie or talking endlessly about everything that Riku had missed but he wasn’t doing any of that.

He wasn’t crying, and he wasn’t drowning in emotion, but he was a hollow shell of a person. He barely touched any of his dinner, and wanted to go to bed early. To be fair, Sora looked exhausted. The circles under his eyes were now strikingly obvious in comparison to his unusually pale skin. “I’d like to sleep alone, if that’s alright,” Sora said, pulling his pajamas on while Riku stood by the door.  
When they were younger, Sora convinced Riku to sleep in the bed with him every time. He liked having him there, to annoy until the early morning. He was always warm, so he was most comfortable against Riku’s chronically cold skin.  
“Okay,” Riku forced out. “You can sleep in my bed, then. I’ll sleep out here.”  
“You sure?” Sora asked.  
“Yeah. It’s no problem.”  
Sora climbed into bed and was asleep within minutes. Every thirty seconds or so, Riku found himself walking by the cracked door to check on him. He looked the same every time, but for some reason he kept expecting Sora to be gone. His face was peaceful, and when he was sleeping, he almost looked like regular old Sora. After he had been asleep for a couple of hours, Riku tiptoed into the dark room, to brush the hair out of Sora’s face. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Sora’s forehead. Sora didn’t stir at all. Riku took Sora’s discarded jacket from the floor, and held it to his chest, inhaling the sweet scent of him. At least he still smelled the same.

Riku had never been heartbroken by anyone before, but he had to guess this is what it felt like. Riku wrapped the jacket around his shoulders, sliding down against the doorframe. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Sora. He watched his chest go up and down, trying not to close his eyes in fear something would happen to him if he did.

Riku fell asleep like that, sitting up on the hardwood floors, trying to protect Sora the only way he knew how to anymore: just by being there. When he finally fell asleep, he dreamed listless dreams of rafts and coconuts and sand and sword fights, and of a boy who loved him, minus the broken spirit.


	2. i'll stay behind

**part ii  
i'll stay behind**

Sora had no idea he could sleep so long. When he cracked an eye open and looked at his Gummiphone, it was already almost one in the afternoon. His first instinct was to find Riku, but he didn’t have to look far. He was asleep against the doorframe, Sora’s jacket draped around him. Sora carefully stepped out of the bed and went into the bathroom.

Looking at his face, he looked awful. Sora held his face in his hands, trying to force his cheeks up into a smile. He kind of wanted to smile, though, because today he was supposed to go stay with Kairi. Sora tapped on Riku’s head to wake him up, and Riku immediately shot up. “What? What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing. It’s really late in the afternoon. Aren’t I supposed to go to Kairi’s today?”  
Riku blinked a couple of times, trying to gather his senses. “Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah.”  
Sora swallowed. “Then… can I have my jacket back?”

Riku’s pale skin lit up. “Uh- I, yeah. Sorry.” Sora took it from him, pushing his arms through. At least it was already nice and warm, (and smelled like Riku). “Do you want to go now?” Riku asked. “I don’t think she was expecting you until later tonight.”  
Riku looked kind of hurt. Sora didn’t want to hurt him. He just didn’t know how to begin to talk to him… how to begin to explain. He needed to talk to Kairi.

“I kind of would like to go now.”  
Riku called Kairi and let her know they were on their way, and Riku carried Sora’s bag on his back the whole way there. Sora was feeling guilty, because Riku was basically emanating confusion. Sora didn’t want to treat him this way. Truthfully, he wanted to tell him everything. He wanted to explain why he just _couldn’t_ talk to him, why he did it. Sora would miss the way he felt like Riku was protecting him in the doorway when he went to sleep tonight.

Kairi met them at the end of her street. “Hi!” she smiled, running up to wrap Sora in a hug. Sora hugged her back, swallowing back the lump that formed in his throat. “Ready?” she asked.  
“Yeah,” Sora said, unable to stop his smile now. She was pure light, really. Always so joyful, always knowing the right thing to do. Sora had no idea that what he needed most of all was for things to be exactly how they had always been. Riku handed Sora his bag back, and rubbed the back of his head.

“Well… I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, Sora,” he said.

“Yeah… I’ll see you tomorrow, Riku.”

Sora and Kairi turned to go inside immediately, and Sora couldn’t look back, because he knew if he did, Riku would look so torn apart. It wasn’t a secret to Sora how much Riku cared about him.

“Wanna help me finish these cupcakes?” Kairi asked him, grinning.  
“Sure,” Sora said, giving her a smile back.

_

He must be doing something wrong.

As soon as Sora saw Kairi, he lit up again. Why couldn’t he force a smile around Riku? Surely, _surely_ Sora didn’t still have a crush on Kairi. There was no way.

Riku wracked his brain trying to remember the events that had led up to this: the way that Sora was always seeking out Riku, always texting him and touching him. After defeating Xemnas, the two of them had been so close. Sora clung to Riku like he was his lifeline. Riku was sure he hadn’t misread the situation. But maybe he had.

He would have to call Kairi later tonight and see how Sora was doing. Maybe she could give him some insight. Hopefully.

_

It was late.

After making cupcakes and getting icing all over the kitchen, Kairi and Sora decided to go wash off in the ocean before making dinner, showering, and getting into their pajamas. After giving it some thought, Sora couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten to hang out with Kairi alone, and it was kind of nice. He forgot how fun she could be when they weren’t stressed out.

Sora and Kairi sat on her back porch in their pajamas, both of their hair still wet and dripping from bathing. It was hot outside, but Kairi made hot chocolate for them like she used to do when they were kids, setting the mugs down in front of them. Sora licked the whipped cream off of the top of his. Kairi had brought out a few different shades of nail polish and was trying to figure out which one looked best on her toes. Sora was relaxed. He almost felt kind of normal.

“What do you think, Sora?” she asked. Sora inspected the three different colors in front of him. “Probably the purple one,” he answered.  
“I think so too.” Kairi slapped the bottle against her hand to mix up the paint, before settling her arm on her knee, painting the first toe a light lavender. “So, what happened?”

Sora had been expecting this. He knew that she would ask eventually, some time that night, but he still asked: “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what happened in Shibuya? I figured you’d come back even more infatuated with Riku than when you left but…,” she wipes some stray polish off of the skin around her toes absentmindedly, “…that doesn’t seem to be the case.” She peered at Sora out of the corner of her eye.

The day before the battle at the Keyblade Graveyard, Sora and Kairi sat up on the paopu tree and shared a fruit, waiting for Riku to leave the main island so he could talk to her. “Kairi, I think I’m in love with Riku,” Sora had babbled out quickly, and Kairi just smiled knowingly at him, before saying, “I know.” Sora wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell him before the battle, he just never got the chance.

“It was so strange,” Sora shook his head, running his finger along the rim of the cup. “It was this huge city. It was night, all the time. I’ve never seen anything like it. I mean, it was nothing like San Fransokyo. I don’t really know how to describe it.”  
“That is strange,” she said.  
“The fact that it was dark all the time was the worst because I never really knew where I was… or what was lurking in that dark, you know?” Kairi nodded, tilting her head to get her pinkie toe. That was the thing about talking to Kairi: she was listening, he knew that, but he never expected her to freak out. Never expected her to question him. “I feel like I was there for like… God, it must’ve been a week, before I ran into this guy. His name was Yozora… and for some reason, he knew everything there was to know. Like, about everything.”

“What do you mean everything?” she asked. “Like, everything that had just happened?”

“Yeah. He knew about me, and Riku, and you, about everyone. He could even hear the things I _thought._ And he wouldn’t stop following me around.”

“Creepy,” Kairi commented, dipping the brush back into the bottle and wiping the excess polish off on the sides of the glass.

“Yeah. He just knew how to get to me. How to break me. One of the first things he told me was about how I never got to tell Riku how I felt before he died… before he died, right there in front of me, _for_ me. Yozora was just… so cruel.”  
“What else did he say to you?” Kairi asked. She hoped she would be able to get to the bottom of what was really breaking Sora’s heart, what was keeping him from being his normal self. Truthfully, Kairi also knew that Sora had been through a lot, seen a lot, and would transform into a new normal, but hopefully, he would at least get his light back.

“He called me disgusting. Told me that Riku would never love me like that. That he _knew_ Riku didn’t feel that way about me, so, why should I even try?” Sora sniffed, shaking his head. “He told me that every day. I tried telling him to leave me alone, I tried fighting him, but he was too tough. I told him that he didn’t know, that Riku was coming to save me, but he just kept telling me how worthless I was.”

Kairi put the lid back on the nail polish, tightening it. “He sounds like a real piece of shit.” Kairi never cursed, so Sora let out a watery laugh, wiping his eyes on his arm.

“Yeah. Yeah, he was.”  
“But you know that’s not true, right?”  
“I don’t know.”  
Kairi shook her head, leaning back on her elbows. “Sora, you know that Riku’s infatuated with you, right?”  
“I don’t know, Kairi. He was acting so strange last night.”  
“Because he’s _worried_ about you, Sora. If there was a dude in these worlds that cared about me _half_ as much as Riku cares about you, I’d be married by now. I tried dating Tidus freshman year, and he barely remembered my _name_ some days.” Sora giggled, and laid on his back beside Kairi, looking up at the fan above them. “You need to tell him, Sora.”

Sora closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. “He’ll hate me, Kairi.”  
“He won’t hate you. I promise. Even if he doesn’t feel the same… he’d never hate you.”

“I don’t… I don’t even know what I’d say.”

“We’ll think about it. We’ll figure it out.”  
“I don’t know if I can go back there tomorrow,” Sora admitted, looking over at Kairi. Her red hair hung down around her shoulders, now much longer than it used to be. “I don’t know how to be around him anymore without hearing Yozora telling me he doesn’t care about me.”  
“I can tell him you aren’t ready to come back.”  
“That’ll break his heart, Kai.”  
“Maybe. But we can figure out something good to tell him. Some good excuse. It’s time to put yourself first, okay?”  
“Yeah.”

The two of them laid there on the porch for a long time that night. The sound of the ocean was the best sound to Sora. It beat out everything else. He could fall asleep there, listening to the waves. Forgetting about everything else. About all the loud noises and voices he in his head all the time. “Sora?”  
“Yeah?”

“Why did you do it?”  
It was quiet. Sora thought. He’d had so much time to think about how he would answer this question when someone asked it, but still, he had no idea where to start. “If I’m being honest, I don’t really have a clear answer,” he told her. “It was just so much. From the war, straight to Shibuya, to back here where I was supposed to pretend like everything was okay when it wasn’t…. I didn’t want to worry you guys. I didn’t want to worry anyone. I was just…” Sora trails off, realizing tears were falling down his cheeks now. “I was just so, so, _tired.”_

“You won’t do it again?” Kairi stated, rather than asked.

“No, Kai. I… I saw how much it hurt you. And Riku. And everyone else. I could feel it,” he said, holding a hand to his chest. “I can’t do that again.”

“Good. We love you. You know that. I know you do.”  
“I love you too, Kairi.”

It was another hour or so before Kairi finally stood, stating, “My nails are finally dry. We should probably head inside, huh? I can paint yours!” Sora laughed, as Kairi offered a hand to him.

“If it’ll make you that happy, fine.”

 _Oh, Sora,_ Kairi thought. _Even after all this. Still so concerned about making people happy._

“Alright. Bright pink it is,” she smirked.  
  


_

Kairi didn’t want to call Riku.

It was nine in the morning, and she was out on the front porch, sitting on the step, rolling her phone back and forth in her hands. Sora was passed out on the couch, living room trashed from a night of movies and nail polish and two bags of popcorn.

_I’ll tell him… Sora’s got a virus and I don’t want Riku to get it. No, that’s stupid._

_I’ll tell him that he thinks my cooking’s better. Well, that one’s true, yeah._

_I’ll tell him he doesn’t know how to process his feelings for you. Good one, Kairi._

_I’ll tell him…_

She didn’t want to lie to him. She was never very good at lying. Kairi opted to tell him a stretched truth instead. She wiggled her toes, listening to the line ring. It rang three times before Riku picked up, sleep evident in his voice. “Hey, Kairi,” he said. “How’s Sora doing?”  
“He’s good. He’s sleeping right now. Sorry I missed your call last night, my phone was buried under some cushions.”  
“It’s no big deal. Is Sora ready to come back?” he tried not to sound as eager as he was.

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about…,” Kairi said, twisting her hair around her finger. “We were talking last night, and I think it might be best if Sora stays with me for a little while longer.”  
“What? What do you mean?” Riku was panicked now. _Shit._

“I just think that maybe it’s best if he stays in one place for a while? Don’t you think that would be more comfortable for him? I mean, he’s been moving around constantly for five years, Ri.”

Riku was quiet for a little longer than what made Kairi comfortable. “Yeah. I guess you’re right. How… how long are you thinking?”  
“I don’t know. A couple days? Maybe a week?”  
Riku cleared his throat. “Uh, y-yeah. That sounds good. That’ll be good.”  
“Riku. You can still come see him. He’s okay.”  
“I know. I know, it’s just… I’ve missed him.”  
“I have too. He really opened up to me last night, you know? I think that some time here could do him some good, mentally…”

“He talked to you? About what?”  
Kairi bit her lip, trying to figure out how to omit just the right amount of information. “I mean, he told me a little bit about his time in Shibuya, and some of the… bad thoughts he’s been having. Not a whole lot. But, I might be able to get more out of him. If you let me try.”  
“Yeah. Yeah. If he’ll talk to you, please.”

Kairi smiled. “You’re sweet, Riku. Thank you. Remember, if you want to come see him, please, just call. You’re welcome any time.”  
“Okay. Take care of him.”  
“I will.”

Kairi hung up, hanging her head in between her legs. These boys. She loved them so, but they could be _so incredibly_ naïve sometimes.


	3. trust i'm fine

**part iii  
** **trust i’m fine**

It was funny how quickly things changed when you started growing up. When Sora was thirteen, he was positive he had it all figured out. He knew how life worked. He knew how he felt about everything, and everyone. Riku was his best friend. Kairi was his crush. He knew how to fish, and climb the tall trees to get ripe coconuts. He could beat Tidus in Blitzball and Riku in sword fights… _sometimes._

That had been only five years ago. And everything was different now. He knew how to do a handful of magic, and how many swings it took to kill a Shadow or a Dancer. He knew the way to keep order between the worlds, and the best routes to take to get to each one and avoid Heartless and meteors.

Kairi was his best friend.

And he was hopelessly in love with Riku.

It had been a whole week he’d been staying with Kairi. Riku had visited the pair, twice, only for a brief while. Every time Riku came, Sora tried to appear more open to him, but he just kept getting so _nervous._ Riku would smile at him, or ruffle his hair, and Sora would open his mouth just to say something back and hear Yozora tell him: _Why would you ever think that Riku would like you like that?_

The longer he stayed with Kairi, the better it got. He still had nightmares, but the intrusive thoughts were getting quieter and quieter. Maybe because Kairi was getting louder and louder. She was always dancing or singing or bouncing around the room. She was a welcome distraction from the things inside Sora’s head. At night, when he settled down into his makeshift bed on the couch, he was always met with the nightmares, though. That was the only place he really saw Riku these days.

Every night, Riku dove. He could feel him there, eating, fighting, exterminating. He always made quick work of it, so Sora was actually able to start getting some good sleep. As the week drew to a close, Sora knew that he would return to Riku’s soon. Sora sat in the sand one night while Kairi picked up seashells to give to Xion, biting down on his lip.

“Kairi?”  
“What’s up?” she asked, holding a shell up to inspect its coloring.

“How do I tell him?”  
She smiled, putting a hand on her hip. This was the first time Sora had brought up telling Riku about his feelings since the first night. “Well, why don’t you just tell him what it is that you’re feeling?”  
“I… I don’t know how to… explain it,” Sora mumbled, pushing sand in between his toes.  
“Oh, yes you do. What do you feel when you think about him?” Kairi plopped down beside Sora on the sand, dumping out her bucket of seashells.

“I…” Sora thought. There was no singular word to describe the way he felt about Riku. Riku was… everything. Where to even start? “I love him. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as much as I love him. He’s kind… he’s smart, he’s brave. He makes me feel…” Sora picked at the skin around his nails. “Fuzzy.”  
Kairi laughed, nudging Sora with her elbow. “That’s cute, Sora.”  
“Well! I don’t know the word! It’s like… every time I see him, or he touches me, I feel so… warm? And safe? Like… I can do anything if he’s there.”  
“Are you going to tell him about the bad thoughts?” Kairi placed a seashell on Sora’s leg.

“Yeah. I’m going to try. I’m just so nervous Kairi.”  
“Aw, don’t be nervous. You’re going to do great. Wanna practice?”  
“Sure,” Sora said. That was a good idea. Then it wouldn’t be like saying it for the first time.

The waves lapped in, washing Kairi’s seashells clean near their feet. “Okay, ready? I’m gonna pretend to be Riku. Start telling me how you feel.” Kairi sat up straight, pulling her arms out a bit to make herself look muscular. Sora tried to stay serious, but he started smiling right off the bat.  
“Okay, um… Riku?”  
 _“Yeah, Sora?”_ Kairi asked in the deepest voice she could manage.  
 _“Stop!”_ Sora laughed, splashing Kairi. “I can’t take you seriously if you’re gonna do it like that!”

Kairi was hysterically laughing, holding her side as she fell back against the sand. “Sora, you’re going to do just fine. That’s the thing about you. You always seem to make everything work somehow.”

“Yeah, we’ll see,” Sora sighed. He’d be alright. Right?  
 _Riku, I like you,_ he thought.

_Riku, I like you. Riku, I like you.  
  
_

**_Riku will never like you._ **

Sora shook his head. Deep breath.

_Riku, I like you._

_

The sun had barely come up when Riku tumbled out of bed. Today was the day. Sora was coming back with him. From what Kairi had said, and the last he had seen of him, Sora was doing better. Not fantastic, no, but he was _better._ Riku knew he was still having nightmares. He could taste last night’s on his lips still.

A whole week without Sora was hell. They had told him that Sora needed to stay in one place for a while, and while he was sure that benefitted him, Riku wasn’t stupid. He knew there was something else.

But Sora was smiling at him again. He was pushing Riku around playfully and joking with him, but he still hadn’t told him anything. Hadn’t told him why he’d tried. Hadn’t told him what happened in Shibuya. Nothing.

“How do I get him to open up, Kairi?” Riku had asked one night this week after Sora went to sleep. Riku had Kairi on speakerphone while he shaved in the mirror.  
“Well, I’ve found that just acting as normal as possible has been the best thing. He’ll talk when he’s ready.”  
“So, I just… do what we’d normally do?”  
“Basically, yeah.”  
“But like… what is that, even?” Kairi knew exactly what he meant. Normal wasn’t a word in their vocabulary. Every day had been different from the last. They hadn’t had a real place to call home in years, let alone a routine.

“Why don’t you take him to the play island?” Kairi asked. “Make up for lost time. Be kids.”  
Hm. That was a good idea. So, that’s what Riku planned on. Kairi had packed them a lunch they were going to take out there today when Riku came to get him, and Riku was so ready. He was ready to see Sora, to have time alone with him, to attempt to make his cheeks turn red and hear what was going on inside his head.

Time was unbearably slow, but eventually it reached noon. Riku showed up at Kairi’s door fifteen minutes later, shifting back and forth nervously. The door opened, and Sora appeared, looking… healthy. His complexion wasn’t nearly as pale, and he didn’t look so thin anymore. (Well, how could he when Kairi was constantly feeding him?) Sora held his bag on one arm and the lunch Kairi had packed on the other. “Where are we going, Riku?” Sora asked, bounding down the steps. “Kairi said she packed us this lunch.”  
“I thought it might be fun to go out to the play island,” Riku told him, pushing some of his hair behind his ear. “What do you think?”  
“Okay! We haven’t been out there in a long time.”  
Riku looked up at Kairi who was smiling at the top of the porch. “You guys have fun,” she said, and then added: “Behave.”

“Let’s go!” Sora cheered, handing Riku his bag, before starting down the path. Riku turned to look back at Kairi, and mouthed a: _thank you._ Kairi nodded, and waved at the two.

Rowing out to the island was harder than Riku remembered, and Sora was absolutely no help. He was too busy pointing and talking, which, Riku would take any day of the week over him being silent and depressed. “Did you see that fish, Riku?” Sora asked.  
“I didn’t. What did it look like?”  
“It was beautiful, like a rainbow. Maybe we’ll see another one.” Sora hung a hand out of the boat, water spraying back up as they rowed towards the land. He was smiling, hair blowing in the breeze. Riku tried not to stare at him, but God damn it, Sora was so _pretty._ Riku would die a thousand times over if it meant Sora kept smiling like that.

They finally reached the dock, a little worse for the wear after all these years, but still good enough. Sora stepped out of the boat, and Riku handed him the food. It looked just the same as he remembered it. The trees and foliage were a little more overgrown than they had been, but overall, it was stuck in a different time. “Are you hungry? Do you want to eat first?” Riku asked.  
“Nah, Kairi made a big breakfast… let’s do something.”

“Like what?”

They did everything. They dug up stones in the waterfalls, and picked flowers for Sora’s hair. They had a race, all on their own, and to Riku’s delight, he still won. They played in the ocean and ate Kairi’s lunch up on the paopu tree. Kairi, (slyly), had packed a paopu for them. “Oh! Kairi and I just picked these the other day,” Sora explained, pulling it out of the box. “She’s got a big tree in her backyard now.” Sora thought that maybe if he babbled on about the fruit, that Riku would suggest what Sora wanted to suggest. Sora didn’t know if his heart could take it.

“I know, I saw. It was filled with them.” Sora nodded, holding the fruit in his hands. “Do you want to share it, Sora?”  
“Hmm? Oh, share… share the paopu? With you?”  
“Yes, Sora, with me.”

“Well, I… y-yeah, sure. I mean, that’s just an old legend, right? The whole thing from when we were kids?” He was so cute. Riku knew he was talking endlessly to keep from becoming embarrassed. Sora was so easy to read sometimes.  
“Sora.”  
“Uh- I, yeah?”  
“Let’s just eat the fruit.”  
“S-sure. Yes. Okay.”  
Sora swung his legs over the side of the tree while breaking the fruit in half. He handed the larger half to Riku, not looking at him once. Riku took a bite first. It was so sweet. It had been years since Riku had eaten one of these. He’d never eaten one with someone before. But out of everyone… he’d always wanted to share one with Sora. Sora took a bite out of his, crinkling his nose when he did. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s sour!” Sora cried.  
“It is not sour,” Riku argued, trying not to grin.  
“Maybe not _your_ piece, but mine is sour.”  
“Sora, your taste buds have always been fucked up. Remember when you tried to tell me that marshmallows were spicy?” Sora pouted, Riku laughing beside him.

Sora loved it when Riku laughed. He didn’t get to hear it very often, but when he did, it sent a light feeling to his heart that made him feel like he might throw up. Sora looked over at the older boy, laughing with his half of the fruit, and Sora grinned too, rubbing his nose with his finger.

_Riku, I like you._

“Hey, Riku?” Sora asked.  
“Yeah?” Riku responded, rubbing the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand.  
“I…”

The sky cracked above them suddenly, dark clouds moving in without them even noticing it. It was a matter of seconds before rain started pouring down, soaking the two boys and the box. “Shit,” Riku said, grabbing the box and helping Sora down off the tree. “Come on.” Riku practically dragged Sora behind him. The rain was cold and hard, but Sora couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that _Riku was holding his hand._ They ran over the bridge and jumped down the ledge, before finally finding refuge inside the cave they used to call their secret spot.

Sora shook his hair out like a dog, and Riku squeezed at his shirt, water pooling around their feet. “Where did that even come from?” Riku asked. “I mean, seriously, it was like…. Sora?”

Sora was walking around the cave, touching his hand on the carvings there. There had to have been over a hundred. This cave was practically untouched by the elements, so they were all pristine. There was Riku and his sword, and Selphie and Wakka. They had drawn castles and dragons and big scary monsters before they knew that big scary monsters really existed. And of course, there was the drawing of Sora and Kairi, sharing the paopu fruit.

_This is where it all started… when Kairi disappeared into my arms and Riku gave into the darkness…_ Sora held his breath, trying to stop the inevitable, but it was like a ball rolling down a hill: once it started, it couldn’t be stopped.

 ** _You couldn’t save them then, and you won’t be able to save them now,_** Yozora spoke. **_They’re only here because they’re scared to leave you alone. You think they really care about you? You think anyone does?_**

Sora turned on his heel, reaching an arm out, trying to steady himself. “Sora?” Riku stepped forward, hesitantly taking Sora’s hand.

“Riku, I… I… I can’t breathe.”

Riku could clearly see that he _could_ breathe, because he was now sucking in deep breaths of air, holding his chest that was heaving up and down. “What’s wrong?” Riku looked at Sora, and then at the cave paintings, and in a moment of clarity he remembered what the nurse had said. _“…. monitoring his panic attacks…”_

Oh. Oh, no.

“Sora, hey, it’s okay,” Riku assured, pulling Sora closer to him.  
“Riku, I-I don’t feel good…” Sora’s heart felt like it could pound out of his chest. Suddenly, the cold cave felt like an oven. Sora’s legs gave out under him, and he crumbled to the floor, wrapping his arms around himself.

Riku was _scared._ He didn’t want to admit it, but he was. How was he supposed to help him? Was that even possible? Worst of all, they were all the way out here on the play island; a good ten minutes of rowing away from actual help. Riku knelt down in front of him, holding Sora’s face in both hands. “Sora, hey, look at me. Look at me.” Sora’s eyes wandered up to Riku’s- the fear was written all over his face. “Let’s just breathe for a minute, okay? Breathe with me, can you do that? Yeah?”

Sora swallowed, shaking his head _no._ “Yes, you can. I know you can. You’re so strong, Sora, come on. Breathe with me.” Riku took Sora’s hands and started with taking a big breath in through his nose as an example, watching as Sora’s chest rose at the same time. “Good. Good, Sora. Let’s keep going.”

The two of them sat there on the stone floor for almost ten minutes, Riku breathing in and Sora following his rhythm. The rain pounded against the top of the cave, and Riku tried not to shiver from the cold breeze and the unsettling feeling in his stomach. Thirty minutes went by before Sora’s demeanor finally returned to normal, and he pressed his palms into his eyes. “I’m so s-sorry, Riku,” Sora mumbled. “I don’t know what happened, I just…”  
“You don’t need to explain. It’s okay.”  
Riku rubbed Sora’s back. “’Kay,” Sora said.

“I think it’s stopped raining. Do you wanna head on back?” Sora nodded, and Riku helped him stand, picking up the discarded lunch box from where he’d dropped it. “Alright. Let’s go.” Riku wrapped his free arm around Sora’s shoulders.

Sora’s wet clothes had made him so cold, but that one action from Riku made him feel so warm.

_

They both changed into dry clothes as soon as they got home. Riku was sitting in a chair reading when Sora appeared from the bathroom, clean. “Feel better?” Riku asked, looking up from his book.

“Yeah, a lot better, thanks.”

Sora plopped down on the arm rest beside him, smelling like soap and fruit and _boy._ He sat there for a beat, before saying: “It’s nice outside. Do you want to take a walk?”

Riku looked up at him. “I’d like that.”

There were only a few other people out tonight. The two of them crunched down the gravel road, Riku with his hands in his pockets and Sora kicking pebbles down the path. “Sorry about today,” Sora said, giving Riku an apologetic look.  
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”  
 _Not my fault,_ Sora thought. _That’s nice to hear._

“Say, Riku? How did you defeat Yozora?”  
Riku perked up. This was the first time Sora had mentioned anything about Shibuya to him since they’d returned. It was small, but it was a start. “He was super fucking strong,” Riku explained. “I have no idea where he obtained strength like that. I don’t think we’ve ever been up against someone with that kind of variety of skill.”  
Sora nodded. “I know. I couldn’t do it, so I wanted to know how you did.”  
“Well…” Riku stared at the sun, setting at the edge of the ocean. “I thought about you.”  
“M-me?” Sora stuttered.  
“Yeah. I had to get you home. I had to make sure you were safe. He was tough. It took a long time, and it took a lot out of me, but I had to protect you.”  
Sora willed himself not to blush, but he couldn’t help it. “Thank you,” he murmured back.

“You don’t need to thank me, Sora. I would do anything for you.”

That thought hung in the air between the two before the heaviness of it dissipated. “He was really mean to me.”  
“Who? Yozora?”  
“Yeah. He said a lot of bad things about me. He told me them like… multiple times a day. It got hard to not believe it.”

“You know he was just saying all that to try and break you,” Riku responded, matching Sora’s pace. They had reached the end of the road and turned back around towards Riku’s house.  
“Well, he succeeded,” Sora sighed.

“No, he didn’t. If he had succeeded, you wouldn’t be here. But you are.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” The kids that lived down the road from Riku shouted and laughed, running past them. “I didn’t want to do it.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I didn’t want to die,” Sora said. “As soon as I swallowed them, I tried to throw them up.”  
Riku thickly swallowed the memory down. “I know. I found you.”  
“You… you were the one that found me?”  
“Yeah. You looked so… sad, laying there on that floor.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Sora shrugged, sniffling the way he always did right before he started crying. Riku reached over and laced his fingers between Sora’s. Sora turned, blinking at him. “It’s okay,” Riku repeated. “Promise.”

Sora smiled, looking down at his feet so that Riku couldn’t see the absolutely love-struck grin that was plastered on his face. “I don’t really wanna talk about it anymore… can we go get ice cream instead?”  
Riku squeezed Sora’s hand. “Of course.”


	4. don't lie

**part iv  
** **don’t lie**

To make up for lost time, Sora spent a week with Riku after his week with Kairi.

After they went to the play island, Sora became visibly lighter. It got easier and easier to talk to Riku about his “bad feelings.”

“Riku,” Sora would say, mouth slightly open and breathing hard. “I’m having bad feelings.” And Riku would scoop him up and hold him, or take him outside to distract him.

Sora slowly started laughing more. He got tan again, and freckles sprinkled his cheeks. Every night, Sora climbed in bed next to Riku and pushed himself into Riku’s side, feeling as safe as ever when Riku wrapped an arm around him and pulled him in. Riku still dove after his nightmares, and it was so much easier with Sora right beside him, crying and tossing when they started. He could eat them up, and soothe Sora right after. It was a strange but comforting routine.

Sora’s bad feelings started to be replaced by something different. Something tugging, hot, anxious, new. When Riku stroked his cheek or gave him a cup of tea in the morning or smiled at him, he felt his heart _tug._ “Don’t forget to take your medication,” Riku would say. _Tug._ “How are you feeling today, Sora?” _Tug._ “Come lay with me. I’ll hold you.” _Tug._

They swallowed him whole, these feelings. He had been so ready that day to tell Riku how he felt, but it had been a week since then. His confidence had disappeared. Especially with the new feeling stirring deep in his heart, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready. He didn’t want to risk telling him and have him deny his feelings: and then Sora would never get the feeling in his heart again.

Seven days after Sora returned to Riku’s house, he came into the kitchen to find Riku had already set out his cup of tea, with two sugars in it. “Thank you,” Sora said, but Riku was preoccupied, scrolling through his phone. “What’s up?”  
“Um…” Riku scratched his head. “Everyone’s getting together tonight,” he started. “Like, Aqua and Roxas and all them. They invited us.”  
Sora looked down into his cup. “Oh.”  
“If you’re not ready, we don’t have to go.”

But he was ready. He was ready to see everyone again. He missed them so much. He _wasn’t_ ready to share Riku. He _wasn’t_ ready to be away from him. He _wasn’t_ ready for things to go back to how they were before it was just him, Riku, and the _feeling._

“I want to go,” Sora said.  
“You sure?”  
“Yeah. I wanna see everybody.”  
“Alright.” Riku ruffled Sora’s hair, and Sora smiled back at him.

_I can do it. If Riku’s there, I can do it._

Kairi left with them that afternoon. They took their Keyblade gliders and met up with everyone at the Land of Departure, where Aqua had set up a nice event as a reunion of sorts. As soon as they arrived, Aqua came running outside through the large marble doors. “Hi! Oh, gosh!” She grabbed all three of them in one armful, swinging them left and right. “I missed you guys! You all look so big!”  
“Aqua, we’re the same age we were two months ago,” Riku reminded.  
“That doesn’t mean you don’t look older!”

They were the last to arrive, so everyone was already waiting for them in the large room Aqua had decorated. Roxas didn’t let go of Sora for a good five minutes. “Uh… Rox? You can let go now. I need to breathe.”  
“Yeah,” he said, releasing Sora. “Yeah, I know that.”

To Sora’s relief, everything was normal. Lea made inappropriate jokes that Aqua scolded him for. Xion and Kairi exchanged their monthly shells and chatted for hours. Riku and Terra talked about Terra’s recent mission. Nothing was wrong. No one was in imminent danger. Sora was… _happy._

All of the wielders ate a huge meal, (Sora ate more dessert than dinner), and after it had finished, they went out to look at the stars, and they were beautiful. The sky in the Land of Departure was always huge and clear: stars bigger and brighter than Sora had ever seen them before. Kairi and Aqua brought out armfuls of blankets to sit on, and Sora happily took his place beside Riku on a quilt that used to belong to Master Eraqus. It turned out, it was a meteor shower that was happening tonight; Ven had charted it.  
“Oh, Riku, look! They’re so pretty!” Sora pointed, watching the different stars shoot across the sky.

“You’re so pretty,” Riku said, before he could stop the words from spilling out of his mouth.

_Tug._

Sora’s heart almost stopped. He looked at Riku, and Riku stared at him like he was the only person in his universe. _Tug._ Sora grimaced, clutching at his heart. It was too strong.

“Sora?” Riku asked, placing a hand on his thigh. “Sora, are you alright?”

Sora couldn’t hold it back anymore. All of these feelings were bubbling up from his throat and suffocating him. He loved Riku. He was in love with Riku. Fuck Yozora. Fuck the bad feelings. He was _in love with Riku._

Sora let out a noise that ended up sounding more like a cry than he had intended. “I wish… I could make it stop.”

“Make what stop?” Riku said, stroking Sora’s head. Everyone else was too preoccupied with the meteor shower to notice what was happening, and Riku was secretly glad. He didn’t want Sora to become overwhelmed with attention.

“These feelings… all of these feelings I have in my heart.”  
“I have a lot of feelings like that too, Sora. Tell me about them.”  
Sora gasped in, never ceasing in his explanation. “I feel so guilty. I feel like I never did enough. I feel like I can’t be good enough. And I just keep having all these thoughts that I feel like I’m not going to be able to _control_ soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just can’t stop thinking about _kissing_ you, Riku.”

Time hovered there in that space between before Sora had said that and after, and Riku was rewinding it in his head over and over and over. He could have told him he had that thought too. He could have told him that it was okay, and he liked him, and it was okay to want to kiss him, but he didn’t. They were sitting on a quilt under a meteor shower and Sora was replacing bad thoughts with thoughts about _kissing him,_ so instead-

Riku grabbed Sora’s face and pressed his lips on his-

Sora’s eyes flying open at first before closing, tears running down his cheeks-

and Riku could have died in the moment Sora moved against his lips, eager, deepening it, wanting _more,_ and Riku ran his hand through Sora’s hair before settling on the back of his neck, only pulling back to breathe-

and fuck-

“I love you, Riku,” Sora said, nudging his nose against his. “I… I’m in love with you.” The thought of telling Riku that he loved him was so scary to Sora, and now that the words were out, he had wondered why he didn’t know it was so _easy._

Riku grinned, shaking his head. “Sora…”

Sora leaned in and pressed another chaste kiss to Riku’s mouth, mirroring the wide smile on Riku’s face. Riku looked into his eyes, no longer lifeless and empty but full of life and light and love for _Riku._

“Sora, we will get rid of your bad thoughts, as long as you promise to keep having that good one.”

Sora nodded, and Riku kissed him again, knowing he was never going to be able to get enough of it.

Kairi nudged Xion, who turned around to where she was gesturing towards Sora and Riku. “Oh,” Xion smiled, clasping her hands together. “Finally.”  
Kairi smiled at her, shrugging her shoulders.

Kairi watched as Sora pulled back, the most genuine smile on his face that Kairi had seen in years.

_Oh, Riku,_ Kairi thought.

_Thank you._

_You’ve saved him again._

**Author's Note:**

> You made it!  
> Thank you for reading!! 
> 
> I wrote this all in a span of about six hours and it was so incredibly fun to do!  
> Since it was written so fast I’m sure there are an abundance of errors and such, but I’m going to leave it as it is. Sometimes the Soriku feels hit you and you just can’t stop them.   
> The title and chapter titles are based off of this song by The 1975 if you're curious:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3B2cpy7ob4
> 
> Come visit me on Tumblr @sunshinesoraa <3


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